I first found him on a wall covered in stickers in a roadside cafe called “Ronnie’s Sex Shop” in the middle of nowhere in the Cape’s Karoo. I had to look through all the stickers, and that took a while, but when I saw his sticker, I knew this was the man, this was the monster, this guy was the origin of all my problems and vowed right there to find him.

Mr Floppy Bunny Ears became my arch-villain, my midnight heartburn and my public borderline possible wet fart. He was always there, lurking, but I was one step ahead; I was ready.

People who think they know a lot seem to still ask a lot of stupid questions. Questions like “Why do you need an arch-villain active in your life?” Stupid question, but the true and simple answer is that we all need someone else to blame for our problems; it makes it bearable to get out of bed each day.

I was never obsessed or totally consumed by thoughts about Mr Floppy Bunny Ears, but it would be fair to say that I gave him a significant chunk of my attention. I started using AI with Midjourney to create pictures of Mr Floppy Bunny Ears doing things I knew I would dislike, things that I would find offensive and repulsive – if he was not going to blatantly show up and get in my face, then I would visualise his sins for myself. I created a Pinterest mood board, printed out images on my little inkjet, and stuck them up on my walls as solemn icons. Often, the things that Mr Floppy Bunny Ears would do would be so bad that Midjounery would not generate the images. After a while, I stopped submitting my image creation requests to the Midjourney Human Moderators. They cancelled my account, and so I opened a new one with a different name and email address, and eventually, they trained the model to ignore any prompt with the term “Mr Floppy Bunny Ears.” I think he had something to do with that; maybe he works there. Can you imagine this guy?! (It must be a guy because of the very deliberate use of the word “Mr” in his name – the arrogance…he must really think he is fancy…I never use any title in front of my name when I introduce myself.)

He is a snivelling sneak of an evil creep. He is a little older than me, I think, from the look of the stylised image of himself on his sticker, and this got me thinking – he might be the person who cancelled “Darkwing Duck.” – think about it …there is no rational reason for a show that had three seasons produced (93 episodes) in just one year to suddenly stop… it must have been him.

I have his sticker framed and hung above my bed – to keep me focused and sharp…you never know when he will strike, and one must be ready. Don’t think I am glorifying him, I really, really, really don’t like him, and I seriously believe he bought his outfit from Shien – I believe he bought it all predesigned and perfectly packaged for him. I don’t believe he had any significant creative input to his overall villainous look.

The other day I had a screw in my left back tire, and then three days later, I had another in my front right. I know…all very symbolic…as if he has some weird obsession with religious numbers. Anyway – I think he has decided to ramp it up and is starting to send me close and personal messages. I’m not afraid – I will not be intimidated. I had the tires repaired and then bought an extra three full-sized tires and rims to keep in my car. I now have four spares…yes I matched him and then raised him. That is how I kinda roll. I then went round to all the local hardware stores and perused the nail and screw department to see if he had left any sticker in a near but obscure place, like under the phone on the pillar at the end of the aisle or over the unit for customers to scan a product to check the price. Nothing. I used Google Maps to find all the bridges in my surrounding proximity and then drove to each to see if he had spray-painted a message for me. Nothing. He is very crafty, but I’ll find him.