I used to be scared that I would get stigmata because God doesn’t let you decide things like that, so I tried to make myself want stigmata, on both hands and both feet, so that way I’d definitely not get them and then after thinking about it a bit more I was scared that God liked me enough to give me a treat by giving me what I wanted. God is complicated like that — He wants you to fear Him, well, that is what the priests say, and then He wants you to not be afraid and just love Him. But Fr. Thomm, my priest, said that I should not believe everything the Church says about God.

I liked Fr. Thomm. He was what they called a late vocation because he used to be cool, with dreadlocks and everything — he still has lots of tattoos — and then he gave up the coolness, cut off his dreads and became a priest. He still has his tattoos, but everyone said that he gave everything else to God, but he says that is not totally true. He says God does not expect you to give up all the cool shit in life, and I believe him about that. Fr. Thomm is one of the good ones. Not all priests are “prevy”, some are but not all. Fr. Thomm was not “pervy” — although it was said that he was frowned on by some clergy for his vegetarian lifestyle.

Everyone talks about priests liking the altar boys, but I don’t think most people know how many priests can’t keep their hands off the altar girls and off women and how much they like shopping for nice shoes — nice, expensive, shiny leather shoes with pointy toes. Fr. Thomm did not like altar boys or altar girls or other people’s wives. He wore rubber Flojos, but he was very into vegetarianism. He said he loved mushrooms and a good mushroom soup would bring you closer to God. I told him I did not like mushrooms cooked in butter and pepper and garlic by New New Dad on the braai, they were like slimy snails, but I did like crumbed mushrooms like the ones you got at a fancy restaurant like Spur where you could choose a dipping sauce to dip them in — Cheese or Garlic or monkey gland. This made Fr. Thomm laugh — I don’t know why.

Fr. Thomm was the first person to help me with Fear. I was afraid of so many things & I couldn’t tell anyone how scared I was, but I did tell Fr. Thomm at Saturday morning confession. We always had confession before catechism for those who wanted it. I thought I was a sinner and should go because I was always afraid of everything — even God… mostly God. Fr Thomm said this was totally normal — it was totally normal to be afraid and if I was afraid and if I was really struggling to deal with it he said I could pray to God about it or chat to my guardian angel and if those two things did not work I should just look Fear in the face and tell it to “fuck itself”. He said I should imagine Fear, thinking it was all alone and with its pants down, whacking off its willy. Just whacking away, thinking it was totally alone, and just about when it was about to hit the best part of the willy-whacking journey, I was to jump out and yell, “Surprise!! You little sick sucker of a willy-whacking fucker!” and then Fear would shit itself, and I could laugh and Fear would be all embarrassed and ashamed of being caught with his pants down whacking off his willy and Fear would no longer be able to hold power over me. 

It was a nice idea, but I could not do that because Granny was still so fresh in my mind, and although I know Fr. Thomm was trying to help, I felt worse about it all. I could not “kick Fear in the face”, as he called it… I don’t think kicking things makes anything better… kicking can make things dead, but not better.

I had not told Fr Thom about Granny. “Sometimes Garry, you just got to face fuck fear my boy… and it will all be ok with the help of the Lord” But there was another thing that Fr Thomm did say that did help me feel a bit better. Whenever Fr. Thomm saw me, he’d say, “Hi Garry… how is one of God’s favourites doing today?” — I liked that. I really did because I really wanted to be someone’s favourite, even if it was just God’s favourite.
One day, I did tell Fr. Thomm that I was afraid of getting stigmata, and I followed it up quickly with the fact that I felt willy-whacking Fear — caught red-handed did not help and that actually I did not think that was a very nice thing to do to Fear even if Fear made me feel afraid and sick. Fr Thomm laughed and said I was a good lad and no wonder I was one of God’s Favourites and that “Redhanded” was exactly what stigmata would do…in fact, even a good pair of BMX gloves would not effectively hide stigmata… that blood would leak through and stain the gloves.

I told him I knew this and that it really worried me. He told me not to worry — God would not send me anything I could not deal with. I told him everyone says that, but it does not feel like that is true. Fr. Thomm said I was right about that and that if I did get stigmata, I should rest in the peaceful knowledge that I would be able to win bets by being able to shoot gun bullets through my hands and not feel any pain and I’d be the talk of the town. That was when I started liking guns.ceful knowledge that I would be able to win bets by being able to shoot gun bullets through my hands and not feel any pain and I’d be the talk of the town. That was when I started liking guns.