The Brussel Sprout Fart Bomb

Coordination is critical; it is the binding protein of effective action.

Garry had been training green wood pigeons to carry flash drives for when it – the system – all fell over. A date had been set – the clock was ticking.

Moving around the aviary, he cooed softly to pigeons, large green lumps with wings and eyes like 3D dome cameras. They were such underrated yet useful creatures.

He had come a long way to get here; like a self-help author, he had always wanted to make a difference in the world, and now finally, he was doing something for the end times.

He had done things in the past he was proud of, but now with this newly found coordination, he would amplify his effectiveness. He was now working with a team, and together they were doing something that mattered.

Once, a few years back, he had fart bombed an international conference that was focusing on microloans for small businesses, and at first glance, this sounded like a good thing, but it was just another way for big money to make more money off of the backs of the poor.

So for three months, on a diet of eggs, beans and Brussell Sprouts, he had farted into a glass tank. He had then compressed the air – the farts – into a high-pressure gas canister, the type you would use for Airsoft or a Soda Stream and then used a Rasberry Pi and Python to control how it was opened on a timer.

He could have just used smelly gas, but he wanted the poetic effect of real poo particles floating up people’s noses, going down their windpipes and filling up their lungs. Bad smells always make you want to breathe through your mouth – and that was it…the best way to bypass the olfactory parts of the body and go straight into the mouth and down deep into the lungs.

Breath, life was holy. God’s breath hovered over the waters and then gave life. This fart breath would remind us of how far we have fallen. This would be the return to innocence.

He had pulled off the operation successfully. It had worked. Seven units, hidden in the airconditioning ducts, had simultaneously executed the release function. Garrys’ fart, compressed, compounded in compactness, and subsequently exponentially amplified, had gone out into the room at the Keynote speech, and everyone had evacuated. Some people even vomited.

It made the news but made no difference because the discovery of the fart bombs had been covered up. Next time he would document it on video and release it to the world. That was then, and the past is the past…now he was with a team, and they had big plans!