The time I put popping candy up my bum…

A story snippet about Garry.

I have always wondered who invented popping candy, like how it all happened. Not the patent, the moment. (Has it been patented?) It must be a very interesting story. Another interesting story would be the time that I put a packet …well, actually… three packets of Exploding Candy Bubblegum Candyfloss flavour, up my bum.

I don’t really think that candyfloss is a flavour, it’s more of a format. Function before flavour, it’s an architectural culinary style. Bubblegum, technically, should not be considered a flavour because, again, when it is boiled down to first principles, it is clearly a format. Bubblegum is a job description wearing perfume. But that is just semantics, because the flavour in this case is not the first thing that comes to mind when you are the consumer of the candy up your butt.

It all started with the word “but”. Yes, “but” this…No, “but” that… It is a word that is born, boiled and soaked in contradiction. A word of opposites. And that got me thinking. What is the opposite of in? Where do things go in, and where do they go out? Why does it have to be this way? The rewards of invention are experienced by the bold.

I bought the popping candy from one of those overpriced sweet shops, like the religious ones you get strategically placed opposite the movies and in airports where the smallest Red Bull can cost the same as a university student’s first car and in some cases — and I shit you not — as much as a SMEG toaster…(more on the shitting later.)

Now, if you take a few seconds, stop scrolling and put down your phone for three seconds, and think about popping candy — you might recall that when you open that bright colourful metallic bag, that with the slightest hint of moisture it becomes very sticky. See?… how good did that feel? Thinking. Thinking without a device in your hand. Thinking for yourself again — feels good, right? We are in a pandemic of distraction*(*See footnote), so put down the device.

Ok, so back to the moisture and stickiness. Focused thought can overcome the most significant obstacles. A funnel. See? That was not hard. You actually arrived at the solution in your head before even reading the word here. That’s the power of thought. Here, now, in your case, it was unconscious. Thinking…you…unconsciously came to the solution of using a funnel. Now, just think about the power of thought consciously used. Distraction-free. That’s what I do. I think with laser focus. I’m like a Sith Lord’s double lightsaber.

Want to hear about the rest?

Ok, I’ll take that as a yes.

In a corporate world, if curiosity were a department, it would be brave right up until it enters procurement. That contradiction is a door you can open from either side. Bubblegum Candyfloss flavoured popping candy is an event best served alone in a bathroom and on an empty stomach. I understand now why they don’t let you eat before a big operation. The rewards of invention are indeed experienced by the bold, but the paperwork is handled by the Returns Department or if you are in a hospital, by an unhappy bed bath team. Hitchhikers was right, having a towel close at hand is a blessing. “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned”, says your intellect to your colon. Apparently, the digestive system is in a very close and physically active relationship with the mind. You know I don’t do confession the anonymous way, I move around the barrier and look the priest right in the eye. I wish you could have seen the priest’s face when I confessed this one. I bet that after he submitted it to the Vatican’s international daily newspaper, “The Imprimahaha”. It might not make headlines, but I bet it was before the fold.

And it turns out that both Bubblegum and Candyfloss do have their own unique flavour. It’s just that the more traditionally preferred palate of the mouth is so bombarded with such a torrent of flavours that we miss the joy and complexity of the more subtle flavours. The bum does not take this for granted as easily. Starved of a range of flavours, the bum appreciates even the simplest varieties it is offered. Popping candy feels like cold pomegranate seeds bursting in your mouth on a Durban day, that is, until it doesn’t. Let me tell you something. The lining of the anus is so sensitive that you can taste the flavour of blue. (If you are wondering what blue tastes like, it is something like Sparletta Crème Soda and a dental rinse that believes in miracles.)

What is popping candy? Sugar is heated into lava. Then, when it is bubbling at a temperature that would destroy Sauron’s One Ring of Power (and this should have set off warning bells), the flavour fairy is brought in, all glitter-adorned to sprinkle in the flavour selected by the factory manager (again, more warnings). This is all then pumped into cylindrical tanks (usually old decommissioned military tanks used for storing jet fuel), and the hatches are then bolted down under the watchful eye of the factory’s safety office (scrolling TikTok). CO2 gas is pumped in at a pressure of about 600 psi. To put that in perspective, the average car tire pressure ranges from 28 to 36 psi. For those who enjoy math and taxes, 600 psi is approximately 15 times greater than the pressure in your car tires. Car tires are strong, really strong. It would take about 250 psi or a few Pinetown pot holes to burst one. So these are the things you should take into account when you consider trying this.count when you consider trying this.

I am writing this so you can stand on the shoulders of giants and read this soul-wrenching piece and give it all a miss. You don’t need to try everything life has to offer you. There are better ways to be adventurously different. Sommeliers would suggest Fiji water; for those who live near a highway, you could try Kombucha or Coconut water, which you can buy from any reputable health store like Dis-Chem.

If you proceed, when entering the bathroom, stomach all aflutter with butterflies of nervous anticipation, take in a black bin bag, and choose an old towel. I can’t tell you much more, honestly, it’s an unpleasant blur devoid of dignity. Trust me, you won’t want to wash that towel.

Footnote: Smart watches report that the new generations masturbate with their non-dominant hand because they need their dominant hand to scrub the video forward and then 10 seconds backwards and then forwards to time their imagined moneyshot. I include this not as a social judgment, but rather to highlight the power of imagination put into real action. You have better ideas when you scroll less.